(It took me about 10 min to write this, and about an hour more to post it... wondering if I should. I obviously took the leap... be patient (and gracious) with me...)
All right, if any of you know me very well, you know I'm pretty honest... Sometimes too honest. But when it comes to talking about myself and my struggles I clam up. Well here it goes, here are confessions I would like to make about myself (hoping that saying them - or writing them really - will convict me and help me change these things I dislike about myself). I apologize in advance if this gets long or I ramble too much. This is literally just me... I am NOT writing this for pity and if you want to stay away from this, I suggest you turn around right now! :) I want to be better. I want to be filled to the brim. I was compelled today to share:
-- First of all, I am a child of God and I strive every day to please him with what I do and how I live my life. I fail daily. Maybe even hourly... :( This is so discouraging to me because it has taken me a really long time to discover grace. I always heard about "grace" in Bible school and from the preacher but never really understood what it meant. I finally concluded that if I just don't sin, I won't need grace. And that would be true if that was obtainable...
But it isn't.
I fall short every day and was finding myself overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt about things I had done years ago, last week, yesterday...
I can safely say I discovered grace sometime in college. I was able to really FIND myself with God, creating my own personal relationship with Him on my own, without people telling me how to do it. It took alot of breakdowns, fits, and resentment to finally wake up and say, wow... you really love me God? - Even after this??
And today I can stand and say without a shadow of a doubt that I continue to yearn for Him, falling short over and over trying to please Him, but get up, stronger than before and press on while he holds my hand. I pray that feeling never leaves.
-- One of my biggest struggles is contentment. Even saying the word makes me want to turn around and RUN! But it's true. It is SO hard for me to happy with my car, my house, my "stuff", myself... I find myself constantly wanting newer and better.
I am always thankful and feel humbled by the things God has blessed me with and try and use everything I have to bless Him, but...
Here comes the little devil on my shoulder saying "Well, if you just had a bigger house more people would like you!" "If you were prettier more people would notice you." "If you made more money you would have more friends." "Why save up money for something you will never get... spend it all now while you have it!"
Whew... it's a roller coaster of emotions trying to be the best I can, while Satan tugs at my thoughts trying to bring me down.
So this is all I can think to do... "Please Lord, HELP! Help me be content with what I have, how I look, who I am... I have turned my back for a split second to let Satan have a chance to talk - take me back! Here's my hand and I want to go with you to the end. Bless me with contentment."
-- Speaking about contentment, brings about another feeling: Jealousy - the little green monster in everyone's mind. I discover quite frequently how I become jealous about not looking a certain way. There is a certain way that I have for some reason formulated in my mind of how a girl/woman should look, and I don't fit that category. I honestly can hardly say anything more about it, because that's just it: I don't fit the mold I want to.
I want to be happy with myself, embrace my body, and feel beautiful every day. There are some days I truly believe this and I know this is because I wake up in a good place with God. But then other days, when I don't feel happy and beautiful, Satan's there again... telling me that I'm not happy and I'm not beautiful. And I listen. :(
-- I want grace so badly, but am so stingy with giving it to anyone else. When I get hurt, I instinctively want to hurt back. :( This is NOT an endearing quality and I want to be rid of it today: RIGHT NOW.
In my head sometimes I think that if I hurt them like they hurt me, it will make me feel better... This is not the case and I have a directly opposite feeling: disgust in my own self.
*** I probably could ramble on and on about my struggles all day, but I won't. All I ask if you have read this is to pray. Pray for me and pray for everyone else (or yourself) who has struggles like these that are hard to deal with. I realize that all of these things can be changed. And I want to take a stand today and do just that! We are WOMEN OF AN ALL-POWERFUL GOD! I want to stand together and tell Satan to SHUT UP! He's so dumb! We don't have to listen to anyone telling us our house is not good enough, we are not pretty enough, we are not smart enough, or we are not good enough. Those are ALL lies.
It's time to face the truth: We Are Loved. I Am Loved.
Alli!! I struggle with EVERYTHING you mentioned, on a daily basis...I know what you mean! I will pray for you, and us, and everyone who deals with this! Thanks for posting this, I think we all need to be reminded that we are not alone. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Katy!! I love you!!
ReplyDeleteAllison,
ReplyDeleteI struggle with these things also! Thank you for encouraging me today! I struggle so much with materialistic things! I struggle with my appearance, so much all I think about is losing weight some days! Satan is so sneaky. I have found that when I don't watch certain shows, or listen to crap music, and leave alot of those avenues of deceit that satan uses alone.
I did this the other day. I encourage you to try it. Go to a private place and just search your heart. Anything you hear pop in your head good or bad write it down. Mine appeared something like this: I hate myself, I am a failure, I am fat, I am never good enough for a Tasha....etc...
I then prayed with my Uncle and he asked God to cast away all of Satan's lies. Long powerful prayer mentioning each thing to God.
Then I concentrated on just God talking to me and I heard so many good things! There is no better feeling than to cast out satan and to hear your Father tell you how much he loves you! What he loves about you!...etc
I feel like I am rambling but I could totally relate to this! Thank you Allison! God bless you!
I think that we all feel like this sometimes ... especially at different times and seasons of our lives. And just when I think that I've got it all figured out ... I've figured how to be *happy* about every aspect of my life something happens to make me realize that it's a lifelong, ongoing process.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you posted this. I really am because though we're told that there is probably one person in the world that knows exactly what you're going through, it's hard to believe until you hear it from that person. I struggle with this ALL THE TIME. Just know you're not alone, and it may be a constant battle, but battles make us who we are, and it's what makes us relateable to our brothers and sisters in Christ. That's why we're not perfect and we continue to learn and try everyday to be joyful as opposed to happy as HARD as it is, men and women alike. Thank you so much again for sharing!
ReplyDelete